in a silent sorrow's Journal

3:10PM

What to say life is good right now, i am going to the movies with the love of my life Sidney, and we are going to see the exorsism of Emily Rose, hmmm...should be tons of fun, i think this new house we moved into is haunted i think we have ghosts. i see shadows that arnt there at night and here voices...wierd...so long guys

4:47PM

Well today was ok i guess, i have been doin alright,i hope you guys are having a good time too, later guys

5:10AM - Hey guys

well this week has been pretty good, i am having the time of my life with Sidney, she is real cool to hang out wiith, i think i am falling in love with this girl, we hang out all of the time.....and i absolutly love it, lately i have been taking in a whole lot of music, from reggea to electronica, and its all amazing, i am doing very well, i have been writing some songs that have been a great impact on my life. Lately i have been going throught some rought times but Sidney and my music have been keeping me up, i am quite happy for the things that do go right in my life, and i would just like to let you all know that i love my time right know and keep in touch. Later

12:54AM - another update

So i havent writen in this journal for quite some time now, for anyone who wonders of cares i am doin fine,school is goin ok i guess, i got the lead in the lion king, go figure, i have been listening to alot of incubus lately music wise, pink floyd, the mars volta, death cab for cutie, the postal service, i dont know alot of music....i was pretty exited today i found out that my granpa is goin to get me a mixer so i can record, i thought that was pretty rad, so i am exited about that...so i have to tell you guys something, i had a dream a couple of nights ago and it was pretty trippy, i dreamed that i was dieing, and it felt so horrible the loss of breath, and in this dream i saw that world as a huge play with a million stories, and i was one of them along with every human beeing on this planet, in my dream i thought " i have always wondered how is feels to die, and i was feeling it, it was crazy. Also a couple of nights ago i had a dream that i had grown up and had visited my uncle who had passed away six years ago, but in my dream he talked to me, we were talking when having dinner he said "lets eat and we will talk tonight" and when he said that i woke up, who looked right at me when he said that, when i woke up i quickly grabbed to phone to call him, when i stopped and thought to myself, (what am i doing he died six years ago)......

4:48PM - At the world where the city lies beneath the sea...

Hey my life is fun at the moment...im glad its snowy outside i finally got my snowboard out..i went the other day and its was so rad...i am hoping to go to crystal mountain here on x-mas break it will be a blast...whoa i am actually feeling alright i meat this girl and well i mean i already knew her but i just started talking to her and she is so cool...we have been on a couple of dates together and i have had much fun let me tell you..right now i am waiting for mike to pick me up so i can go do this show chior thing....i hope we arnt late althought i told Mr. Wall i would be there at 7 and its now close to 8 but if anyone has somthing to say let me know and post here on this journal...i havent updated in a while but here it is one more post talking about my life and how it falls and raises with every passing day...second semester is going to be alot funner than this one...this semester i had all my hard classes i am so glad it is finally over.....and hey anyone who wants to go boarding just drop by and let me know....i am getting a group of people to go to Crystal Mountain over break i have my moms expodition and i can fit up to 8 people in there so if you are interested in going just let me know...sianara...

9:09AM - there is proof in the skies....

I have somthing to say...i am sorry if dont meet up to your fucking expectations....its a good feeling to know that i might die tommarow....for once it feels good to not know what the hell is going to happen and to not have control of this....oh no and dont think i am doin this cause i want your pitty of fuckin sympothy...i seriously...dont want to know what is going to happen with my fuckin life....and i must say its a comforting feeling....and i dont belive much of anything....and i have people i call friends.........if i was up to me i wouldnt miss you....join the club...i wish i hadent woken up today....

7:13PM - the shot heard around the world....

Late dawns and early sunset...they are holding hands and life is perfect
i thought of this all through the nite, im counting memories, that dont matter cause you are already dead. and there is no change in nothing...there is no room in this hell..there is not room in the next..should i be shocked by the last thing you said?.....and then saying you love me, made it harder repraised...standing alone never felt so sickening..just take it away...just untill sundown...i dont want fall again.....never again...

9:25AM - i died tomarrow....

So there is nothing to talk about...or bitch about...or even mention...its all just a worthless peace of shit in time called LIFE.....every moment that is passed...every day that is no more, did it matter>>>what the hell is this, what are we living in??? i feel so fuckin empty....do the people in the room really give a fuck about you....do they even know who you are???/ i built this cage to see how you would struggle to get out he says....to see how you would tear your heart out in desperation.....what the hell am i doing here???/the canves on the well is a simple painting of the destruction you once felt..you made me smile for a little while....and there are things that used to make me laugh....but now they are buried in the past....ill take them with me on the day i die....there is a vilid reason for everything....cause when we get home you will say...nothing is fine anymore.....

8:15PM - the lose of new hope..

Dear My Friends...i have nothing new or exiting for your to read....school is lame...and so is everything else..i hope tomarrow goes by fast....god damnit...the days are the same...i need a life...a better one than this....such a fucking bore...im doin good though...we are having the choir trip this week...so thats somthing to look forward to...the weekend was great.....your waisting your time...ill talk to you guys later

8:04PM - the classic let down..

So the night finally died..i was hoping it would get better but it didnt..so we played our show this weeked it went well i thought..they kids there where all rad..life is good to me right now..no worries...i am 18 now so i can go do shit that 18 year olders can do i guess...nothing big right now...i am hoping to talk matt into goining the band...althought i didnt like our last name...we are trying to come up with another one....i cant fuckin think right now..i am so tired...just got out play rehersal a couple of hours ago...once again great plans for the weekend...but when do i not have good plans...well ill update this like soon cause i am real tired at the moment and didnt really have time to get what i wanted to say across..

7:14PM - say it aint so//

So great plans for the weekend..i am going to this lock in..it is going to be rad..oh yea our band is playing saturday night..which puts me in the best of moods..life if great for me at the moment...in every way./..but i am mad at myself for some reason...i had to write a song tonight for college english...anyone that wants to go to the show just let me know ill find a way for you kids to go...its going to be fuckin rad..oh yea check out "say it aint so" by Weezer kick ass band...well later

7:26PM - please notice me..

so i am in a very wierd mood tonight,.,.i am starting to flash an idea in my head, about how i am going to get out of this mess...being the mental frustration my mind is constently fighting,.,,i swear it plays tricks on my...so it tells me i am fine,...and everything makes such perfect sense..., but then every thing gets blurry once more, and its keeping me from sleep...i guess i just need a break...i feel alone in my defeat,no one should ever feel the way i do now....

8:45PM

So this is mike and i...these are a couple of pics we took for senior pics....the other one is just me...

8:26PM

9:46PM - let it fuckin go..

So great plans for the weekend...cox and i are going to a show...holy shit its going to be rad as fuck...Hawthorne Heights are playing...its going to be fuckin awsome....i know i am going to get fucked up...if anyone wants to go...just let me know...its 15 bucks at the door,.....later

1:17PM

So last night i went to a movie with Isaac and some of his friends...it was alright...so i have completely lost control of the steering wheel, and i have found myself feeling somethings i thought i never feel before....for so long i have been trying to keep this fuckin car on the road...with the rain hitting the windsheild so hard....i have finally given up..and let go and fallen asleep....so i have no idea where the hell i am going....if i am alive or slowly dieing of somthing unknown...my head hurts most of the time, so it seems...i have no fuckin self control and i dont know when to say "NO"......so people tend to take advantage of me.....every day every fuckin day..i wake to find little peices of yesterday that fuckin ruin the next...i am cuaght in deperation, along with frustration..twards everything....and this is perfectly normal....and this will soon pass away....but this is all i fuckin know at the moment...and its tearing my insides...and making my nose bleed....i wish i could say i am ok...no no but i am not ok...im not....and this has nothing to do with lose...dont let this miss lead you...every thing that i lost i would gladly lose again....i just dont seem to win or come out of this slump i am in....shleby is by far the most depressing place on this deing planet....and the fucking leaves are falling that dosent help my state.....the days grow colder...the fuckin days grow colder....nothing....and they days lie to you only to get your fuckin hopes up that tomarrow will bring a better self....but no...the lie...they lie....and all the notices you is yourself...and no one gives a fuck...no one gives a fuck...no one gives a fuckin fuck.//....and the thought that breaks my bitter self, is the thought thats mends my every cut, for the thought of hope steels from the thought of reality, the one that makes hell look quite pleasent, and the scenery is quite dead, and the tears they cry for refreshment...water that never comes...sunlight that refuses itself..selling itself into the darkness that by far rules my every thought...i just have to get out of this,.....i have to wait for somthing else...can you not see the headlights coming???>.....this will all end in a fuckin crash...

8:26PM

So i was out, in the rain the other night...for i while know i havent felt safe for some reason...but that night when i was out there wearing my hoodie, and my cap i felt safe...i felt the rain drops on my cap and it was a beautiful moment/...man i have been doing alot of stuff lately...i hardly have time to stop and think...which is a good thing for the time being....to much thinking can be a bad thing....this weekend was awsome....i have met new people and i have been hanging out with them non-stop...

8:35PM

So today was alright, College English is a bitch, but i must say its the most interesting part of the day. So J.R and i cleaned out the trailer behind his house....we are going to use that as a hangout spot...we started peotry the other day in enlish i hate the formats it restricts you from what you are writing about....so our show is coming up soon...and i just found out we are playing 30-40 minuts..homcoming was a little suprizing...i know its a little late but let me tell you it was the best one i had ever had...

9:37PM - to the sounds i hear

So the night fades away with me, i still on waiting for you, it seems as every night i wish you would get on so i could atleast here your thoughts, hear your plans for the week....for i miss you, the other night was amazing...i felt as if i was everything you wanted....yet you are not on to talk to me...it seems as if things always get in the way, lately i have been feeling like such a bother, i went to see you today...only to see your beautiful eyes....to hear your precious voice, to see your lovely smile....i guess i love the things you are insucure of, so i wish you were here, i want to be with you so bad..., thanks for talking to me the other night..it really meant alot..so if you if you get this, please call...

4:25PM - don't wake me i plan on sleeping in...

When you look into the skies at the clouds what do you see?....shapes and figures of things depending on your imagination...there is no right or wrong..some people push you to see what they see..and thats the problem..some people want to make you think like them...they are so confident in what they feel that they overlook you point of view...so is there really one truth in life???? i dont think there is such a thing....the truth in life is different to each individual,i was thinking the other day..."every day is the same...every hour ticks away the same...the clock ticks away its course everyday......it what you do within the hours that make life so beautiful...its sad to see people just go throught the motions and let life take them away.....we have only so long to live.....and the thought of a mortal life, and death is actually quite pleasent...because you see the thought of knowing that we will die makes us appriciate every moment we have with one another more....i think i am stuck in this moment where only a few things make sense to me.....for once i feel thats a good thing....because if everything made sense to you...and you had an answer for everything, what else would be there to live for?.....